why we do this?

I'm driven to share my pain with the world, to expose the despair and loss that leaves me exposed and naked to you all. Without that kind of disclosure what would it all be for? Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not depressed, not in the clinical sense, and i do enjoy my life (mostly.) I guess my point is that beneath the surface we are all tormented by our demons, and we can carry ourselves out into the world every day because we know that we do not suffer silently and alone (when we suffer). I have some great things in my life, wonderful people who add colour and depth to my existance. I have talents, like painting and cooking (ya cooking), that i like to think bring something new to others. We touch people, mark them, mould them, just by our coexistence, so its inevitable that the happiness of others translates into our lives.

On that point, my happiness is not something that i own. I refuse to take ownership of something so fragile and uncertain. But pain, pain is something bold and black, it has sharp edges and clean lines, and that is something i can relate to, something i can hold, hide, make up and make mine.

So getting back to my point, I find comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this, i can be anywhere in the world and the chances are i will never be more than ten feet away from one of you. Someone who feeds on emptiness.

Last night i got very upset at the state id allowed myself to get into, emotionally that is. I was angry, seriously furious, but why and with who? Anger is a terrible emotion, and one i can never deal with, its redundant and destructive and completely illusive. It washes over me, wrapping me tightly up in its embrace, i breath it in, toxic and potent. I hold it in my lungs. I wonder, if i hold it in long enough will it all be absorbed? will i exhale anything other than carbon dioxide and nitrogen? Anger is all i am, i forget my past, my future, for i am consumed.