Ohhhh im still missing something

I want to hurt myself.
I want to wear my pain, display it, flaunt it, match it to my shoes or nail polish.
I want to give it form, shape, presence.
I want to allow it to gain a dimension other than its current form.
I want to see it, i want to ignore it, i want to hide it, bandage it, sooth it, worry about it, claim it.
I want to bleed.

I don't self harm anymore. I don't.

But i want to.

Bleed, bite, burn... brand.
Button my suffering, tie it up.
Bleed all over my perfectly kept house. Make a mess and clean it up.

I want to feel the relief of finally, eventually, failing. Because it was always going to happen, its inevitability is no longer in doubt. And once its done, i can finally give up this charade of normality, throw in the towel on pretense, and accept the utter misery of my life.

Maybe then i can try and get over it.

Today has been a strange day food wise. Ive eaten a lot of ruby grapefruit, which i seem to be developing quite an appreciation for. Im drinking tea, taking my vitamins, and wondering why it seems so difficult at times, because today, my diet is the least of my troubles!