Enjoying the view :)

I'm new to all this, blogging that is, and so I'm sure I'm making some massive or stupid mistakes, but for me this blog is about more than a platform from which i project my insecurities and quirks to the world. Its a place where i can let the mask slip, i can breath deeply and be myself. I can shrug off the expectations of others and be myself. Because as much as i am a student, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend and a friend I'm also a normal girl struggling with an eating disorder that is bigger, better and bolder than i am. It has a name, her name is ana. She has mass and volume, presence and attitude. she is powerful, forceful and she is all that i am.

Every day i lead two lives. There is the life in which i am the grade A student, the reliable friend and the loving girlfriend. I have a cat, a dog and a family. I am normal. But that's a lie. I wake up in the morning and lie on my back, half awake, and i try to dispel the growing knot in my stomach. In a moment ill have to get up, once that happens ill have to stand on those scales. The Number will be irrelevant, because even if its small then it was yesterday, its always going to be too much.

Ive had my eating disorder for most of the past ten years, although I'm sure it began growing inside much earlier than that. I say I've had an eating disorder but in truth its had me. Like a puppet suspended on strings.

Ive had a very good year, this time last January i was losing, and losing faster, and better than ever before. It was wonderful, exhilarating and fulfilling. The next six months where a wonderful blur, i lost almost 3 stone, or 42lbs and i felt unstoppable. But every high is followed by a low, a crash, come down, and i came down hard. I hit the summer hard, i couldn't maintain my weight and as i slowly gained i grew more depressed, morbid and unhealthy. It was a horribly time and i lost most of the things i love about myself. My smile, my confidence, my identity.

Now I'm standing in a new position, one where i can see as far forwards in to my future, as backwards into my past, and i have a decision to make. I can start my journey with ana again, and set off back down that path, knowing everything that i do about where it will lead me. Or i can turn my back on my friend, a friend who has been my companion, my confidant and my inspiration, and take a new path, knowing nothing of where ill end up.

Its obvious which path I've chosen, I'm here aren't i? So I'm going to share this with you, anyone who wants to follow my story.

Currently I'm 112lbs

1st Goal weight 110lbs :)

Wish me luck!!!