Was it ever easy?

I'm finding it very difficult to stay strong at the moment, and the one question that's at the root of all my anxiety is, was it ever as easy as i remember it to be? I'm looking back at my last (and best) relapse, and all i can remember are the positives. The weight was falling off me and i just skipped and danced threw life, or did i? It must have been difficult? I must have struggled with hunger and pain, i must have been cold, scared and emotional? I must have had all the physical and emotional problems associated with malnutrition? So why cant i remember any of that?
Today i woke up and after getting acquainted with the scales i sat in the kitchen and stared at the fridge. What was i going to do? Open it and eat, easily done. Walk away and fill my morning with anything that would stop my mind returning to the fridge? The answer here is neither of the above, its something that you all know, and its the reason why ana can so easily pull my strings and tie me up in knots. Life hurts. Every fu*king day, life hurts. Its painful, cruel and unjust. So instead of denying this, and embarking on futile quests for self-fulfilment and happy ever afters, we embrace the pain. After all if you no its going to hurt, and that that's the way its meant to be, your half way there.
So that's whats keeping me going. It hurts, but its ok because its suppost to.